Am I Okay???

 I know I do keep forgetting to make blog posts on here but I'm just saying this now I have not been in the right headspace and this post is going to go over all of that.

I would also like to bring up what's been going on with me and my mental health 

I guess you could say it all started back in July when I was scrolling through Facebook one day and found out that my aunt Linda passed away who I did love to the moon and back even though I barely ever saw her because she lived out of state and then about a week to a week and a half later my sister had to put down our 12 and a half year old German Shepherd named Winston for all of his medical issues. 

Then I was just losing faith in life itself and was thinking of ending my life because I felt that there was nothing for me to live for including jesus as I was saying I was going to start going back to church and I have not even done that.

Actually I think my mental health spiral may have even started earlier than July I think it may have started back in April when I was out looking for a job and nobody is hiring me and I guess that started to take a toll on me and then the stuff I said in July is when it really hit and now I think we are caught up.

And I also feel I had nothing to live for because I never get out much anymore I don't have any friends outside of online and people that I play video games with I basically don't have a life and I always say I'm going to fix myself and do better but I never do I'll do something and it may last a week to a month and by the end of that I'm back to old habits and I just never change so I guess I'm a person that will never change out of my old habits.

And then we come up to about the end of August when my depression anxiety was extremely high I just did not tell anybody and then it went through the roof when I found out that Johnny goudreau and his brother passed away not to mention that my mom's birthday is on August 17th as well and she passed away back in 1995 when I was 10 going on 11.

So I'm basically sitting here feeling like a useless blob and saying that life would just be better without me because at that point I was literally a day or two away from ending my life because I know I did not have anything to live for and was definitely feeling like a waste of space.

The only thing that I have been proud to say that I have actually kept up is the no smoking which I think I am over 275 plus days now which is incredible and I'm still not 100% mentally good with my anxiety and depression but I am slowly feeling better and I am taking it one day at a time and I promise I will start making more blog post on here when I am in the right headspace I just figured I would give you all an honest update.

So I guess for now that this is the end of the post and I will see you all soon.